His Needs, Her Needs Chapter Summaries March 4, 2005 CCBC Gathering Back Chapter 1: How Affair Proof is Your Marriage? Become aware of each other's emotional needs and learn to meet them. His Needs are not Hers: Men and women have different emotional needs. Often times these needs are in an inverse of importance in the relationship for both men and women: *What is of the highest importance for one spouse is of very low importance for the other? *Failure to meet your spouse's needs is usually from ignorance not selfishness. *We can learn to meet our spouse's needs through preparation and understanding your spouse as a totally unique and different person. The inability to meet each other's needs is often the kindling that starts the fire of an affair. What is an Affair? An affair is a relationship outside of the marital relationship. Affairs can be emotional only or emotional and sexual. In most cases affairs serve to meet unmet needs that were not provided in the marital relationship. Affairs start by "Just being Friends" *You share problems, feelings with your friend and find support. *The friendship turns into an emotional attraction - often developing into intense sexual relationship *The affair leads to disillusionment and loss of judgment. Factors that make an affair enjoyable: You and your lover seem to bring out the best in each other. You ignore each other's faults. You get turned on as never before. What lead to the affair? Simply not attending and meeting each others needs. When your basic needs aren't met you soon look for support elsewhere, someone to talk to, a friend. We have all have a Love Bank with debits, credits (Your needs keep score). Thus, it is important for each of us to continue to meet each others emotional needs. Chapter 2: Why your Love Bank Never Closes "Being right or wrong for someone depends on how willing and able you are to meet that someone's needs." Page 24 Concept: Love Bank "	Everyone has one "	It is subconscious "	Every interaction with someone results in a deposit or withdrawal in your love bank "	Each deposit or withdrawal is worth a certain number of "love units" "	Accounts fluctuate throughout life "	**"We affect each other emotionally with almost every encounter." Page 26 Story: John and Mary "	Dating: Mostly positive deposits; each achieves more positive love bank balance than any other because they readily meet each other's needs throughout courting "	Marriage: Continue to be positive. He is affectionate and patient; She makes an effort to join in his hobby (Tennis) and shares lovemaking willingly and passionately. Daily interactions cause some withdrawals, but there are more good experiences than bad. Both accounts increase slowly but steadily. "	Children: After some years of marriage they decide to have a child. Little Tiffany's demands require more of Mary and John's time and energy. Mary gains weight, and John has to pitch in more. But balance's remain in the black. "	Transition: Mary decides to go to graduate school. To accomplish this goal, she must sacrifice most of her time to focus on school, housekeeping and the baby. No more time for tennis, and little energy for sex. John has to take on more parenting responsibility. John starts to feel torn because his need for sex is not being met, but he feels that it would be unfair to ask an exhausted Mary to meet this need more. "	The Other Woman: Enter Noreen, a recently divorced co-worker of John's. They become friends, share intimacies and eventually develop an affair. "	Noreen only makes positive deposits into John's love bank because the affairs creates only positive experiences with her. "	Noreen becomes the person to fulfill John's need for sex. "	Mary finds out. John goes back and forth, but finds that he's torn. He loves Mary and Noreen. Each fulfills different needs for him. "	**"If any of a spouse's five basic needs goes unmet, that spouse becomes vulnerable to an affair." Page 34 Book Overview: 10 Basic Emotional Needs "	Every spouse has 10 basics emotional needs (discussed throughout the book) "	The 5 priority needs of one spouse are likely of least priority to the other "	This disparity makes it difficult for the two sexes to empathize with each other. "	"The couple unknowingly works at cross purposes, each trying to fulfill the needs he or she feels, not the needs the mate feels. &ldots;It can only happen as a result of clear communication and effective training." Page 35 "	Each partner must take the time to learn the needs of the other "	"The husband and wife who commit themselves to meet each other's needs will lay a foundation for lifelong happiness in a marriage that is deeper and more satisfying than they ever dreamed possible." Page 35 Chapter 3 (Saint-Cyr) The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection (See handout) Chapter 4 (Saint-Cyr) The First Thing He Can't Do Without - Sexual Fulfillment (See handout) Chapter 5 She Needs Him to Talk to Her - Conversation During the courtship phase, a woman falls in love because of the time spent with and attention paid by her man. After marriage, if the same time and attention is not apparent, she will lose the intimacy she needs to remain connected emotionally to her spouse - and his love bank begins to be drained. What you do to get her, you must do to keep her! Meditate on this: My spouse married me because he/she thought the pleasing things I did during courtship would continue in marriage. Am I holding up my end of the bargain? Generally, men do not have the same need for conversation with their wives as wives do with their husbands. Compare the conversation styles of men and women. Women often spend hours talking, sharing the most minute of details with great emotion. Men talk about practical matters and jokes, but rarely get beyond surface or informational speech. Men talk more during the dating phase to get to know women in whom they are interested in order to find out how to be most attractive to her. The conversation tends to focus on the woman and her needs at that time. To her that is a part of affection and showing a genuine interest in her and her feelings. For men, this is often a means to an end - winning the heart of the woman he has come to love. **If a husband seriously wants to meet his wife's need to feel close to him, he will give the task [of conversation] sufficient time and attention. The man who takes the time to talk to a woman will have an inside track to her heart.** Conversation occurs when we spend time together. Those who travel must work even harder and about remaining connected so that this emotional need is met. Without much time together, women become disconnected from their husbands and fill the void with other things/people - kids, work, social activities, staying busy etc. How to keep from growing apart: "	Make sure your spheres of interest overlap. (p. 70-71) "	Pursue mutually beneficial interests. Do not leave your spouse out. Enemies of Good Conversation = Love Bank Withdrawals "	Using conversation to get your way at your spouse's expense. "	Using conversation to punish each other. "	Using conversation to force agreement to your way of thinking. "	Dwelling on past or present mistakes. The Friends of Good Conversation "	Developing interest in each other's favorite topics of conversation. "	Balancing the conversation. "	Using conversation to inform, investigate, and understand your spouse. "	Giving each other undivided attention. "	When in doubt, review the tips on pp. 77-78. Chapter 6 He Needs Her to be His Playmate - Recreational Companionship Spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sexual fulfillment for the typical husband (and we all know how important SF is!). And husbands often expect their wives to meet their recreational companionship needs in marriage but are often disappointed that the interest she showed during courtship no longer exists after "I do." Compare this to the "conversation need" of women. The person with whom you spend your most enjoyable moments should always be your spouse so that the love banks continue to receive deposits rather than withdrawals. Therefore, you must share your recreational interests. You must grow to be each other's best friend. **Engage only in those recreational activities that both you and your spouse enjoy together. The only exception allows a spouse to engage in some activity that helps achieve an important goal that's agreed to with mutual enthusiasm.** pp. 88-89 Spend at least part of the 15 hrs a week devoted to conversation engaged in recreational activities, provided that the activity does not prevent you from giving undivided attention to the other. Movies, office visits, and errands generally do not count. The couple that plays together stays together. Chapter 7 She Needs to Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Openness Mistrust destroys a woman's sense of security. The sense of security is vitally important to a woman. It is "the bright golden thread woven through all of a woman's five basic needs. If a husband does not keep up honest and open communication with his wife, he undermines her trust and eventually destroys her security. To feel secure, a woman must trust her husband to give her accurate information about his past, present, and future. If she cannot rely on the signals he sends or his words, she has no foundation to build a solid relationship and will withdraw into a self-protective mode. This does not promote oneness in marriage, but allows you to slowly drift apart. **You must send accurate messages and receive accurate responses because when you respond one way and feel another, your spouse's efforts to adjust are off target. Whenever and wherever your spouse asks you how you feel, TELL THE TRUTH IN LOVE.** Three Kinds of Lying Husbands: "	The born liar. Just lies about everything for no apparent reason. It is a habit that severely disrupts and threatens the viability of a marriage. "	The "avoid trouble" liar. He doesn't lie all the time, just when there is pressure or a significant problem and they feel cornered or threatened. "	The "protector" liar. Believes he must protect his wife from the truth because he thinks she "can't handle the truth!" A form a chauvinism that feeds superiority and can become a self-fulfilling prophesy if a woman is blind-sided with information once the mole hill has turned into the mountain. Harley believes that there is no place for privacy in a marriage and that anything that does not bring you closer together is of the world and threatens the health of the marriage. Mutual honesty can save even the worst marriage. Coming clean can provide the authentic relationship that you and your spouse need to draw closer to God and each other. **Honesty is the best marriage insurance policy because little white lies empty love bank slowly but surely.** Chapter 8 He Needs a Good Looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse Some men do not care about physical appearance because they have other needs that are far more important. And some women list this as a top need and have even given ultimatums to shape up or ship out. If this is a top need than physical appearance is serious business. Harley explains that even though this may sound shallow, if your spouse values this then you should work even harder to remain or at least resemble the person they married. You don't have to remain forever young - but you need not look any old way, gain a lot of unexplained weight and look like a bum once you're married. If you want your spouse to desire you, you must present yourself in a way that it aesthetically pleasing and desirable. Look at yourself and ask, "if my spouse did not know me, would he/she be attracted to me the way I look now." Harley recommends that wives: "	Control their weight "	Use makeup to your best advantage "	Get a hairstyle he likes "	Choose clothes that showcase your beauty "	Maintain good personal hygiene. **Remember, attractiveness is what you do with what you have.** For men, generally when she looks good he feels good especially in public. Chapter 9 (Trader) She Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably - Financial Support Children completely change your financial needs. Try to live beneath your means before the children arrive, preferably off of one income. This provides the option of one parent opting to stay home with the child/ren if the need /desire arises. Women often become resentful if they HAVE to work and feel like her husband should provide enough to give her the option to stay home or work part-time. She may decide, esp. after a child is born, that her quality of life would improve if she had more time with and for her family and less time at work. The author emphasizes it is a woman's right and privilege to amend her work schedule to fit her family life needs. As families we are encouraged by God's word, Proverbs 31. This woman was not limited, aspired to many occupations...the most important taking care of her family, her husband first (verse 11) and her children (verse 28). The decision to stay home can often be a very isolating experience in a society that place so much value on status, money, and titles. However, moms who work full-time are often criticized. You just can't seem to win. Therefore, it is important to work full time / part-time or not at all, outside the home because it works for your family. Men receive fulfillment when they provide for their family. Recognize the difference between what you WANT, NEED and can AFFORD...there are major differences. Be real with yourself and your spouse otherwise your budget / plan will not work. When a husband and wife work together toward a common goal...they become a winning team...and respect one another. (pg 127) Very important...so many couples end up in mindless competition instead of sacrificial cooperation for the good of the family. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6959880/site/newsweek/ This is a good article about the state of American family life. It is a little long, but well worth the read! Chapter 10 (Trader) He needs Peace and Quiet-Domestic Support Many men dream of domestic bliss. A loving and pleasant wife, well behaved children, a well maintained home... It is important as a women, to provide a "soft" place for her husbands head to land. When a man cannot find peace in his home, he begins to look somewhere else for it. The more he is encouraged at home, the more he enjoys the responsibility of providing the income his family needs. Men normally don't have a problem getting their domestic needs met by their wife until the children arrive. The author feels men receive great pleasure when this need is met and solving the domestic support dilemma may save many marriages. Step 1: Find out what he wants. What is important to you, may not be important to him. Therefore, although you have good intentions, you are not meeting his needs. Step 2: Create a Plan. Most women don't need training in domestic support, they just need to change their schedules to have time to meet his needs. Step 3: Do it! And, do not do it grudgingly. If you feel degraded...make a new plan that works for both of you. Don't be afraid to hire people for projects / work that neither one of you wants or can do. If you cannot afford to hire out, the task should be shared between the two of you. Men will often become tight lipped in this area when their needs are not being met. Study your mate and talk to each other, openly and honestly, to help insure that these needs are taken care of. Bible verses to encourage you in these areas: Ephesians 5:21-33 Philippians 4:6, 11-13, 19 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Proverbs 31 Chapter 11 (Wells) She Needs Him to to be a Good Father - Family Commitment The story focused on Ann and Terry with Terry being uninterested in her family, his family, and finally, their kids. This led Ann to Drew, Terry's cousin (who acted like a doting father) which led to an affair between the two. The Need for Strong Family Unit "	Wives need a strong family unit "	Wives need husbands to commit to the moral and educational development of their kids - "The idea scenario for a wife is to marry a man who she can look up to and respect and then have her children grow up to be like their father" o	Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn away from it. - Prov. 22:6 "	Husbands must take the lead in the moral training of the kids - in families where Men take little interest in child rearing, women recognize the need for a man and will look to uncles, grandfathers, cousins&ldots;can lead to trouble - A woman has needs that only the husband can fulfill, if not, an affair can result.. Parenting takes Time o	Men should give their wives 15 hrs/wk, their work 15 hrs/wk and their family 15 hrs/wk o	Quality Family Time (QFT) - does not include child care (feeding, clothing etc.) but is time spent for the express purpose of teaching them cooperation and values/morals - activity based time (see list of suggestions on pg. 148) - The aim is togetherness Children are easier to influence when they are young: make the most of this time to mold their morals, values, standards Parenting Takes Training o	Invest the time necessary to be a good parent&ldots; 1.	Learn how to be consistent o	Rules cannot depend on mood - kids must understand the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour 2.	Learn how to Punish Properly o	Corporal or non-corporal punishment aside, parents must understand when to employ each&ldots; 3.	Learn how to reach agreement with your wife o	Men must see training as joint operation with your wife - kids will play one parent off the other..children are less likely to challenge a joint decision - Mutual agreement must be the basis for decisions - no agreement=no actions o	How husbands discipline kids greatly affects the Love Bank deposits in their wives accounts - women need consultation on punishments in order for the husbands to reach optimal punishment, then she builds respect for him and additional love bank deposits 4.	Learn how to interpret the rules o	Children need to understand why they should do this and that&ldots;. 5.	Learn how to handle to Anger o	Control your anger before you discipline your kids - separate your emotion from the disciplinary action and reach more effective parenting Fatherhood Take Commitment o	Many Men view the need for family commitment as very demanding, maybe too demanding. o	They must be good fathers (with time and training) and husbands (affection, conversation, honesty, financial support) - The Best husband is a good Father Chapter 12 (Wells) He Needs Her to be Proud of Him: Admiration Why This Male needs Admiration? o	Honest admiration is a great motivator for Men o	It inspires Men to do more o	It rewards Men for existing achievements o	A women needs to appreciate her husband for what he has done, not what he could do, if he has lived up to her standards o	For Men with fragile egos, admiration also helps them believe in themselves Self-Esteem begins at Home o	Behind every man should be an admiring wife How do you show Admiration honestly? o	Never FAKE admiration You need a plan to create admiration - then you can bestow it effectively 1.	Identify characteristics which build/destroy admiration a.	A wife must make 2 lists (see pps 159-160) In this example, a Man must meet his wife's need for family commitment before she will be able to admire him completely 2.	Making a Trade - getting improved results can result from you making changes 3.	You can't change Traits, you can Change Habits a.	Focus on habits not traits. i.e. I can't teach you to be thin, but I can teach you to eat less b.	Often when we complain about our spouses, we look at traits, not habits 4.	Learning New Habits a.	Define the habit you want to create b.	Plan the Strategy you will use to develop that habit c.	Follow the Strategy d.	Evaluate the Strategy's effectiveness to see if behaviour has changed Prepare for Setbacks o	Changes takes time Chapter 13 (Evans-Walls) How To Survive an Affair Step 1: Do You Want to Survive? One or both of you had unmet basic needs. How did my love bank account get that low? What need was I failing to meet? Step 2: Don't Put Up with It You may have failed to meet certain needs but that doesn't mean the spouse is not responsible for destructive behavior. If you want to put it back together you have to take definite action. Step 3: Know What to Expect Most affairs do not lead to divorce, they lead to reconciliation. It is common for the cheating spouse to resist giving up the lover. Straying spouse must stop all contact. The Anatomy of an Affair Lack of meeting a spouse's needs, not sharing interests or losing interest in things couple used to do together, an opening is created that allows for an affair. Are Triangles Always Eternal? The other person is meeting the unmet needs of the straying spouse. The lover will build up their own love bank account by meeting the unmet needs. Total abstinence from the lover is the only answer. Step 4: Start Meeting Each Other's Needs You have to meet each other's five basic needs. Straying spouse will always be vulnerable to their lover. Breaking a man away from his lover is harder than breaking a woman away. He is like an alcoholic. Your Marriage Will Become Stronger Than Ever When you meet each other's most important needs, your marriage will become stronger. Once you meet those needs, your marriage will become what it was meant to be all along. Chapter 14 (Evans-Walls) From Incompatible to Irresistible "The quickest cure for incompatibility and fastest road to becoming irresistible lie in meeting each other's most important emotional needs." p. 181 Society's failure to teach people to serve each other (rather than to take from each other) has caused much of our high divorce rate. We must train our children at a young age to have a servant's heart. Become irresistible to your spouse Men must meet his wife's five most important emotional needs: "	Affection. "	Conversation. "	Honesty and openness. "	Financial support. "	Family commitment. Women must meet her husband's five most important emotional needs: "	Sexual fulfillment. "	Recreational companionship. "	Physical attractiveness. "	Domestic support. "	Admiration. **Don't just choose one or two or three, you must bat 1,000 in meeting basic needs to become irresistible and irreplaceable to your spouse.** Discover the most important emotional needs of you and your spouse. Communicate to each other about them and commit to working on it 24/7/365. "It takes hard work and a willingness to learn new skills, but when you've done this, you will have mastered one of life's most valuable lessons." p. 185