A Lasting Promise Chapter Summaries June 3, 2005 CCBC Gathering (chs. 1-7) July 15, 2005 CCBC Gathering (chs. 8-14) Back   Chapter 8: Understanding Commitment   “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Matthew 19:6 · In Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus connected commitment to lifelong oneness. · There are two types of commitment: § 1) constraint (Bob and Mary) – forces that keep individuals in relationships whether or not they want to. Can be perceived as negative force preventing freedom or positive boundaries offering sense of stability (ex: religion, start-what-you-finish, finances, family, quality or availability of alternatives, the divorce process) § 2) dedication (Deirdre and Eric) – desire of individual to maintain or improve the quality of the relationship for the joint benefit of both partners (ex: agape love, long-term, relationship as main priority, “we-ness”, sacrifice, “want-to commitment”). Satisfaction fuels dedication. Phil 2:3-4; John 15:13. · If conflict is not handled well, satisfaction decreases, which jeopardizes dedication. Without dedication, we are less likely to sacrifice and then satisfaction takes a big dive – this is a destructive spiral away from oneness. · Dedicated couples are more satisfied and have less conflict and more self-disclosure (“naked and unashamed”). · Question: What are signs that a couple is just existing rather than actively working to make the marriage what they hoped it would be? Suggest ways to immediately remedy the situation. · Suggested exercise: Test either your constraint or dedication commitment. (p. 176-179)   Chapter 9: The Power of Commitment   “[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Cor 13: 7 · God designed marriage as a life-long commitment and wants us to have a long-term view of it. Selfishness is completely at odds with this concept and has a destructive, often terminal affect on marriage. · Long-term perspective is crucial for a marriage to thrive over the day-to-day difficulties of marriage. It equals a deeply rooted safety that will always be there no matter what trials may come. · When long-term security is uncertain, partners focus on the short-term “payoffs” of “what have you done for or given to me lately?” = Selfishness. Rather, we should follow the example of Ruth’s deep level of commitment expressed to her mother-in-law, Naomi. (see Ruth 1:16-17). · Marriage is like the stock market. We must invest for the long-term. · There is no room for keeping score (see p. 184), which is a strong indicator of low commitment and short-term view, hopelessly counterproductive, and biased in favor of the one keeping score. · Trust and commitment go hand in hand. You’ll commit more when you trust more ... and trust more when you see commitment – especially dedication – from your spouse. · 1 Corinthians teaches that love is not “self-seeking”, but selfishness is celebrated in our culture. Selfishness does not bring life-long happy Christian marriages. Only God’s love can: that which leads us to serve, the ultimate preparation for everlasting life with Him. · Selfishness, especially in our society, turns your spouse into just another product to be consumed (see Galatians 5:13-15). · Examine whether you are codependent or committed. (see 188-189). · If all you have is a constraint commitment commit to the steps on 192-194. · Question: When we lose sight of the “long-term” plan of marriage, what immediate steps can we take to re-set the vision? (see and memorize Romans 12:2). · Suggested exercise: The first five questions focusing on your level and type of commitment (p. 195.)   Chapter 10: Forgiveness and the Restoration of Intimacy   “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13. · You married an imperfect person and so did your spouse, and you both will suffer and inflict minor (Mary and Tony) and major hurts (John and Megan) on each other. The key is to learn to forgive and reconcile rather than to expect (unrealistically) never to get hurt. · Forgiveness is a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you. It’s a verb – it’s active. And it’s a choice. It is also vital in order to maintain oneness in marriage. · Our duty to forgive is echoed throughout the Bible. Refusing to forgive not only reinforces barriers to oneness but separates us from God (see Mark 11:25). · Forgiveness is not forgetting (Matt 11:25; 18:15-17). And it is separate from freedom from consequences for wrongs or from being immediately restored or reconciled. · To regain trust after a major hurt you must accept that it builds/rebuilds slowly over time and has the greatest chance for success when BOTH partners take appropriate responsibility (see steps on pp. 213-217). · Forgiveness is one of God’s richest blessings. There may be no richer expression of deep acceptance in marriage than seeing the truth about our sinfulness and still choosing to pursue a closer relationship. That’s what forgiveness is all about and if you cannot achieve this, it will be impossible to experience true intimacy, deeply satisfying sensuality and sex, or, most importantly, spiritual intimacy. · Question: What does forgiveness mean to you? Do you struggle with God’s requirement that we forgive? · Suggested exercise: Do the individual assignment on p. 218. PART THREE: THE GREAT THINGS Chapter 11: Preserving and Protecting Friendship   “If one falls down, his friend can help him up.” Ecclesiastes 4:10 · A friend is someone to relax with, to talk with and confide in, and who is a companion for life. Friendships must be nurtured in ways many couples fail to realize until it is all but gone from their relationship. (see Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 and p. 224). · One powerful aspect of friendship is deeper intimacy – being able to share what’s really in your heart and have it richly heard by your spouse (see John 15:15). · Barriers to friendship: 1) “there’s no time 2) “we’ve lost that friendship feeling” 3) “we don’t talk like friends anymore” 4) “we have conflicts that erode our friendship” 5) “we are victims of reckless words”. · Protecting friendship in the marriage: 1) MAKE THE TIME 2) protect your friendship from conflict and issues 2) begin again to talk as friends 3) remember that friendship is a skill that must be practiced and nurtured. · Question: List and discuss some barriers to friendship in marriage and some ways to immediately re-establish or strengthen your friendship with your spouse. · Suggested exercise: Pick one of the three and do them together by June 5th.   Chapter 12: Increasing Your Fun Together   “... God, who richly supplies us all things to enjoy.” 1 Timothy 6:17b · Fun plays a vital role in the health of intimate relationships. God rested on the 7th day, and He expects us, as stewards of our lives, to rest and refresh ourselves regularly in preparation for His kingdom, and not to get caught up or lost in the business of this world. · Barriers to fun: 1) we’re too busy 2) we’re married now, so we’re not supposed to have fun 3) we have conflicts that ruin our fun time. · Keeping fun in marriage: 1) MAKE THE TIME 2) protecting fun from conflict 3) brainstorm about fun activities 4) get going – make the plans and follow through! · Question: Which barriers to fun are most prevalent in your relationship? What can you do to overcome these barriers? · Suggested exercise: Brainstorm fun activities for a “date night” or getaway weekend and make actual plans to take place by June 30th.   Chapter 13: Enhancing and Protecting Your Sex Life   “Let the husband render to his wide the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:3 · This chapter and chapter 14 were placed at the end because without a solid foundation of oneness, good communication, love, respect, commitment, and intimacy, it is impossible to achieve the authenticity and trust necessary to be “naked and unashamed” with your spouse or God. · Scripture clearly honors the importance of sexuality (“one flesh” Gen 2:24) and sensuality (Song of Solomon) in marriage. Sex and sensuality are different. · Sensuality is a key factor in the strength of marriage, but unfortunately many couples rely on sex as the sole path to intimacy and oneness. But sex without a broader connection spells trouble for the marriage in the long-term. Without a balanced diet of intimacy/sensuality, and where sex is misused, overused, or nonexistent, couples can lose interest and connection and become bored. · Keep sensuality alive: 1) protect intimacy from anxiety (performance and relationship conflict) 2) communicate your desires 3) take risks by communicating and listening. · Question: Does your intimacy suffer from conflict and anxiety? What are nonsexual ways to connect/reconnect with your spouse? · Suggested exercise: Set aside some time this week to practice the giver-receiver exercise (p. 257) or read the Song of Solomon together, taking turns to read aloud to each other.   Chapter 14: Spiritual Intimacy and Oneness   “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.” Psalm 127:1. · Spiritual oneness and intimacy is the most elusive and fragile kind of intimacy for most couples because in goes to the deepest and most vulnerable parts of our souls. · To achieve spiritual oneness with your spouse (which is necessary for ultimate oneness in marriage) you need the kind of trust, safety and security that are born of commitment and respectful handling of issues and problems in your relationship. For this very reason, the authors reserved this topic (and ch. 13) for last. · Greatest barrier to spiritual oneness is failing to enter the promise of God (ex: God leading the Israelites to the land He promised, but they feared and did not believe and refused to enter the promise God provided for them. God has given us this great promise of all that He designed marriage to be. But few actually “enter the promise” due to unbelief, fear, lack of knowledge, or feeling undeserving. · If your relationship is not a “safe place” for other types of intimacy, you are not likely to try to achieve spiritual intimacy. You must conquer this fear and overcome this barrier to fully experience the potential blessings of marriage. · To achieve spiritual intimacy: 1) share your walk (communicate “where you are” in your walk with God) 2) share scripture 3) pray together 4) worship God together 5) share in ministry together (look beyond your world and circumstances tell and teach the good news to others). 6) take communion together. · Make and protect the time for the great things (fun, intimacy, sex, and spiritual oneness). · Question: What excuses have been keeping you from developing/maintaining a deeper spiritual connection to your spouse? With God? · Suggested exercise: Complete the one exercise on p. 271.