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September 8, 2006 CCBC Reading
THE MARRIAGE CHECKUP, by Dr. H. Norman Wright
Back
Preface: An Exceptional Marriage - Fact or Fiction
The book is designed to give you a snapshot of your marriage so that
you, as an individual and a couple can determine the current state of
your marriage.
Chapter 1: How Satisfying is Your Marriage
Contains self-scored and reflective-type questions to enable you to
find solutions to problems and gauge the current state of your
marriage by rating your and your spouse's satisfaction levels.
Thoughts you might discover:
1.Your marriage is where you thought it was.
2.Your marriage is in much better shape than you realized. (You have
been focusing on problems rather than the positives)
3. Some problems may need focused attention and work, and now you
have some specific direction.
Satisfaction Quiz: Score from 0 (lowest) to 10 (highest)
1. Our daily involvement with each other.
2. Our affectionate, romantic interaction
3. Our sexual relationship
4. The frequency of our sexual contact
5. My trust in my spouse
6. My spouse's trust in me
7. The depth of our communication together
8. How well we speak one another's love language
9. How we divide chores
10. The way we make decisions
11. How we manage conflict
12. Adjustment to one another's differences
13. Amount of free time spent together
14. Quality of free time spent together
15. Amount of free time spent apart
16. Our interaction with friends as a couple
17. The way we support each other in rough times
18. How we support each other's careers
19. Our spiritual interaction
20. Our church involvement
21. The level of our financial security
22. How we manage money
23. My spouse's relationship with my relatives
24. My relationship with my spouse's relatives
Scoring Key:
192-240 - Relationship is doing very well.
144-191 - Relationship has some major strengths
121 - 143 - Relationship reflects both strengths and weaknesses
73- 120 - Definite improvement needed
72 and below - Major assistance needed ASAP
Assignment: Select any three statements that have a
satisfaction rating of 3 or lower (or the 3 lowest scoring
statements) and indicate what needs to occur for you to gain a higher
level of satisfaction. What have you already tried? What do you plan
to try? If you are feeling particularly adventurous, plot your
satisfaction level on a grid to discover the trend.
Chapter 2: How Do We Communicate?
Complete the quiz and make a date with your spouse to discuss the
answers. Learn how your styles are similar, different, complementary
and/or conflicting. And create a list of two concrete things both of
you can do to improve communication.
Chapter 3: Love Comes in a Package
How well we communicate is directly linked to the "love
language" we speak. If you speak different languages, this can
cause miscommunication mixed messages that lead to unintended
results. Language and "packaging" are critical. Packaging
refers to whether you are an "expander" or "condenser."
Five love languages (most often patterned after your dominant
learning style):
1.Words of affirmation
2. Acts of service
3. Gifts
4. Physical touch or closeness
5. Quality time
Discover your spouse's language and learn to speak it!
Know the senses
1. The visual person - interested in how things look.
2. The feelings person - tend to be more feelings oriented, tend to
touch a lot and are spontaneous.
3. The auditory person - interested in hearing about life.
Chapter 4: Marital Myths and Telling Truths
Myth: The person you marry has a great deal to do with the happiness
you experience in marriage. Actually, marital happiness has less to
do with whom you marry and more to do with how you cope with conflict.
Myth: Your compatibility or similarity to your spouse is one of the
main reasons that your marriage succeeds. Actually, your success in
marriage depends on how you handle your differences and similarities.
We must celebrate our differences therefore knowing and speaking in
your spouse's love language is key.
Myth: Problems in marriage work themselves out with time, so let them
go and they'll find their own solution. Problems get worse (not
better) over time if left unaddressed. They must be tended to as soon
as possible.
Myth: Personality flaws such as insensitivity or insecurity are the
underlying causes of marital distress. Actually it is how we respond
to irritating behaviors more than the behaviors themselves.
Truth: Every relationship has a hidden reservoir of hope!
Truth: One zinger can wipe out 20 acts of kindness.
Truth: When you make a little change, it can produce major changes in
your relationship.
Truth: It is not the differences between spouses that cause problems.
Truth: Men and women use different weapons when they're upset (ie:
when they seek acceptance, support and affection), but these lead to
similar wounds.
Find a truce trigger, a word or point when you shift from how the
conflict started to how to resolve it. A "time out and truce."
Chapter 5: When Thoughts Get in the Way
Roadblocks in a relationship:
1. Assumption: Portraying the worst in the other person.
2. Overgeneralization: Using "always" and "never."
3. Magnification: Enlarging the qualities of the other person,
usually in a negative way.
As believers we are called to fill our minds with positive thoughts
and rid our minds of hindering thought, which include those focusing
on our failures or the failures of others. Bracing up our minds
involves refocusing our thoughts in the direction of what God can do.
Chapter 6: Marriage Hang-Ups
Chapter 7 Forgiveness - The Diet of Champions
Chapter 8: Discovering What Works
Chapter 9: Vows - New and Old
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